in order to move forward...

I'm sure we've all had one...you know that annoying, big or small, loud or terrifyingly silent thing...that takes up space in our world...you know, that nagging, should I say something...but I don't want to...what if I say the wrong thing...when is the right time....what if I'm misunderstood...but I just really really need to say something feeling...Well, I'm experiencing that right now. I know what I want to say. I know how I want the conversation to go. I know that I need to be direct and honest. I also know, that I need to be prepared for the response...and this is where I get stuck, and scared, and that lump in my throat rises just a little bit more, and then I push my thoughts to the back of my mind, and heart and think....maybe it's not the right time, or maybe I'm just overreacting....but really, I know I'm not.

But the truth is, this should have happened a long time ago. I never should have let this little "thing" get to be as big as it is inside...it consumes my thoughts. It keeps me awake at night. It makes me cranky, and edgy, and it's not fair to the people around me who love me and deserve more from me.

So, as hard as this will be, I know that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It might get worse before it gets better, but I understand and accept that.

This is something that I've been dealing with on and off for a very long time. I think as I get older and realize more and more how much it or the lack of "it" effects my life, the more worried, and upset I get and what's worse is that I have the ability to at least try to change it. I always have. I'm partly to blame for feeling the way I do because I could have started mending this years ago...I was young, and stubborn, and so busy living life the way I wanted to that I pushed it aside and figured it'd "take care of itself" but that remains to be seen. So, now it's time to deal with it as an adult. An adult that is about to enter into the beautiful world of marriage. Everything is going to change,and with this new life, comes new responsibilities, and I am taking each and every one very seriously. In order to be the best companion I need to be on my A game, and I can't do that when there is still a part of me being tortured by this unfinished business lingering in the background. 

It's time. To speak. Listen with an open heart. Forgive. Be Forgiven. And move on....could please all say a little prayer for me?!