pure heart

Whereas the object and purpose of our instruction and charge is love, which springs from a pure heart and a good clear conscience and sincere unfeigned faith.
1 Timothy 1: 5

Some days it's very hard for me to love myself, situations, and others. Try as I might, I most times fail. In these moments I think it's great to be reminded that with faith and God's love, all things are possible...meaning that peace can result in certain situations. People will understand you and they can also be understood (especially while using a tamed tongue) and I can love myself when I know that I'm doing my best to live the way I'm supposed to live...and love.

angels in unlikely places

Here's another story from yet another normal day morning commute...Another sun-shiny morning in Chicago and I was sipping my coffee while walking to the train, and I was in a good mood. I hopped on the red line and within the first couple of seconds I notice this woman standing near me, and she was humming. Humming what seemed to be a very happy tune, and she had magnetic smile on her face. There was an older gentleman sitting in front of her, and asked if she'd like to sit in his place. She kindly smiled at him and said "No sir, no thank you!" The next stop was his, and he rose from his seat to make his way to the door, and just before he left the car she tapped him on the shoulder and said "thank you dear, you're a true blessing to us all." He smiled back, seemed to blush a little, and said "well, thank you sweetie!" 

First of all, this interaction caught me off guard because of how sweet it was. Two complete strangers, in the big bad city, riding CTA no less, and they were kind to one another. Sincerely kind. As sad as this is, that does NOT happen often, and that is sad. 

I was still 3 stops away from my final destination and that's when the yelling began....I have to say, I about spit out my coffee because this woman was standing right beside me...and just stated yelling, loudly... "Don't let anyone steal your joy! Not your boss, not your mom, not your husband, not your children, not unemployment, not your anger, not your headaches, not your bank accounts...don't let anyone tell you you can't do what you want to do....don't let anyone steal your joy, ya hear?!" Obviously, this is not normal. People don't just start yelling (although it's happened before I assure you) but this was different. This woman, seemed sincere. She seemed normal, and happy. Who am I take her and this message for granted. Ok, I know most of you reading this are thinking "Court, she's off her rocker...screaming and carrying on that way" but honestly, I am grateful she was there, and grateful that I heard the things she was saying. There was truth to every word. 

Angels are often found in the most unlikely of places and this was one of those moments. I know this because of some things I've been dealing with lately. Things I'm struggling with internally, emotionally, and it's been hard to focus on the right thing at times. This reminder, although very unique in delivery, was the perfect thing for me to hear at the most perfect time. 

God is always at work, and being reminded of that, no matter how, is a blessing:)

For those non-Facebooker's out there...

I love pictures. So, I thought it'd be nice to have a site where everyone could see what Jason and I are up to! I need to upload just about everything else on my computer so it'll take some time! But here it is! I just love Shutterfly!

http://thisiswhatwevebeenupto.shutterfly.com/

his love

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. 

Psalm 36:5

in order to move forward...

I'm sure we've all had one...you know that annoying, big or small, loud or terrifyingly silent thing...that takes up space in our world...you know, that nagging, should I say something...but I don't want to...what if I say the wrong thing...when is the right time....what if I'm misunderstood...but I just really really need to say something feeling...Well, I'm experiencing that right now. I know what I want to say. I know how I want the conversation to go. I know that I need to be direct and honest. I also know, that I need to be prepared for the response...and this is where I get stuck, and scared, and that lump in my throat rises just a little bit more, and then I push my thoughts to the back of my mind, and heart and think....maybe it's not the right time, or maybe I'm just overreacting....but really, I know I'm not.

But the truth is, this should have happened a long time ago. I never should have let this little "thing" get to be as big as it is inside...it consumes my thoughts. It keeps me awake at night. It makes me cranky, and edgy, and it's not fair to the people around me who love me and deserve more from me.

So, as hard as this will be, I know that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It might get worse before it gets better, but I understand and accept that.

This is something that I've been dealing with on and off for a very long time. I think as I get older and realize more and more how much it or the lack of "it" effects my life, the more worried, and upset I get and what's worse is that I have the ability to at least try to change it. I always have. I'm partly to blame for feeling the way I do because I could have started mending this years ago...I was young, and stubborn, and so busy living life the way I wanted to that I pushed it aside and figured it'd "take care of itself" but that remains to be seen. So, now it's time to deal with it as an adult. An adult that is about to enter into the beautiful world of marriage. Everything is going to change,and with this new life, comes new responsibilities, and I am taking each and every one very seriously. In order to be the best companion I need to be on my A game, and I can't do that when there is still a part of me being tortured by this unfinished business lingering in the background. 

It's time. To speak. Listen with an open heart. Forgive. Be Forgiven. And move on....could please all say a little prayer for me?!

precious morning encounter

Unexpected surprises from God are the best, especially when they come from children. This Thursday morning was just like every other morning. I cursed the alarm clock, but forced myself to roll out of bed and get my day started! I've been making coffee at night and chilling it in the fridge so I can have iced coffee in the morning (it's saving me $3.07 and I'm sure Starbuck's misses me, but it's better for my bank account!) The sun was shining and the birds are just going crazy singing and hollering to one another. Everyone around me is still geared up from last nights hockey game. The Chicago Blackhawk's pulled it off and walked away with the Stanley Cup! I am and always will be a Red Wings fan, but it was a great game!

Ok, back to my story...with coffee in hand, I walk to the bus stop. I catch the bus the same time every morning and always have the same driver. He's super bubbly which I love and we exchange smiles and wish each other a good morning! As I walk towards the back of the bus I see this adorable set of sisters. (They couldn't be more than 5 & 9 years old, which still floors me that children this small can master CTA!) As I take my seat I hear them talking and the older of the two is holding a piece of paper and helping the younger one read it. The older of the two reads the words, and then asks that the younger one read them back to her and then asks her so sweetly to sing what they have just read...then together they began to sing...

Shout to the lord, all the earth, let us sing

Power and majesty, praise to the King

Mountains bow down, and the seas will roar

At the sound of your name... 

Of course I couldn't help by stare, and smile, and feel a calm come over me. With each word my heart would melt that much more. 

After a minute or two the older sister looked at me, and smiled. The younger sister, was immediately shy, but then appeared this huge toothless grin, and hid behind the paper she was now holding. "That was a beautiful song the two of you were singing" I say, and in unison with their little girl voices they said "Thank you mam." 

We then chatted for a minute and they said that they were practicing for church on Sunday, and told me that they were 10 & 5 years old and on their way to school. When the bus pulled up to our stop the hopped off with me, and both waved and said "goodbye mam," it was just the sweetest thing! 

I never know what to expect on my morning commute, but this precious encounter was most welcome. I'm filled with such joy at the thought of children being on fire for God, and singing and praising him. It reminds me that I need to do more of that throughout my day, and also always be aware of my surroundings to make sure that I'm not missing out on anything as lovely and positively contagious as this!

Chicago...is my kind of town!

Over Memorial Day weekend Jason and I set out to be tourists in our own city. Our friends, Paul and Emily, came to join us in our adventure, and a boat tour through the city was first on our list! The tour was incredible and we learned so much about the architecture and numerous fun facts about some of the buildings. The sun was out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, it was the perfect day for it. After that we bar crawled around the city, and watched the Cubs game (we're still Tiger's fans, but this one was for Paul!) I admit, it was bittersweet mainly because I started thinking about the move we'll be making come this fall. 

We have fallen in love with Chicago, and like any relationship there are things we cherish, but there are also things we know we can live without! We love that there are so many restaurants you couldn't possibly get bored. We have the rush of the city, and are still just steps away from Lake Michigan. I love the shopping, and the fact that there is a Starbucks on every corner. Jason loves to bike down Lakeshore Dr. and loves the sports bars with their open windows in the summer! We love that so many places are within walking distance, and that I can go see the polar bears at Lincoln Park Zoo whenever I want to for free! We love the community of friends that we have made here and the many happy hour get togethers we plan. Reading the daily specials in the Red Eye, the concert halls, the millions of places to do brunch, Twisted Spoke Bloody Marys, Gaslight Montana wraps, our reading spot in the park, Cody's, and the fact that the nostalgia never wore off are all things we're happy to have experienced...I guess the only things we won't miss are the never ending sirens (literally every 2 mins) and having to brave CTA on a daily basis! I'm sure I'll have nightmares about the guy on the overhead speaker on the Red Line "This is Fullerton, transfer to Brown and Purple line trains at Fullerton" haha!

I'm glad that I have the summer with you Chicago...let's make it a memorable one! 

it came highly recommended...

When something this good is brought to my attention, teaches me, touches me emotionally, and I resonate with it I have no choice but to pass it on. Cold Tangerine's by Shauna Niequist just made my top 5 favorite book list of all time! I'm blessed to have read this book and thank Jo, and Rach for bringing it into my world. 

Perspective, appreciation, and love are being shouted from every page, and every story gave me goosebumps, and the more goosebumps I got the more I feel in love. If I was a writer, I would write this way. It's honest, and naked, full of life, insecurity, and most of all hope. It's about "celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life" and that's exactly what it is. Reminders of what we overlook and should be celebrating. Turning even the darkest day into the brightest because of God's love and all that he has given. 

It's an absolute must read for everyone, so I won't spoil any of it, but it got me thinking...on the days in which I find myself bored, lazy, complacent, or just plain grumpy instead of wallowing in that puddle of pessimism I know I need to find the joy, appreciate it, and thank God. So, I'll take my queue from Shauna...

I'm so thankful for beautiful Chicago mornings when the birds are chirping, and I haven't yet heard the anticipated first siren...I'm thankful for Jason, and with one smile from him all is right with my world...I'm thankful for raspberries, the little sour and magical fruit that can instantly make me happy....I'm thankful for the clean, white sheets I sleep on, and the clinking of glasses as toasts are made for celebratory occasions...I'm thankful for photography, the capturing of many different perspectives with one shot....I'm thankful for journaling, my sweet and silent therapy...and I'm thankful for my beautiful, large, and crazy family without which I would not be who I am today...

Carefully threaded into all of these things so brilliantly is God, renewing my soul, and preparing me for each step I take forward, and picking me up when I fall four steps behind. Breathing, fighting, encouraging, loving, and consistently giving me hope...with all my love, thank you.

best foot forward

I was stranded in my apartment yesterday while the thunderstorm raged on outside my window so I decided to get up the courage to (dun dun dun) clean out my closet! And clean I did! Now, getting rid of clothes was no problem, that needed to be done. I had clothes in there that I hadn't worn in years....I guess I was hoping that one day that the brilliantly beaded shirt from forever 21 would come back in style, or that a certain pair of jeans would fit again...but neither happened (sigh) so it was time. 

Shirts and sweaters went first, followed by pants, then I cleaned out my jewelry box, and got rid of about 5 purses...then, I had to face the big bin at the bottom of my closet...my shoes.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a bit of a problem when it comes to shoes. I can't walk out of a store without a pair! I will try them on at least 6 times, think about what I'd wear with them...where I'd wear them...most of the time totally dismissing whether I actually "need" them or not. Meaning I have more pairs of shoes then one person needs. It's a bit shameful really! As I sat there on my bedroom floor surrounded by my plethora of shoes I couldn't help but think about how I feel when I walk in each pair...

The older I get the more practical I have become ...those 3 inch heels aren't as comfortable as they once were, and a pair of flip flops and my Chuck Taylors fit nice and snug! I notice my style changing with the seasons just like my personality and I feel comfortable, and happy in my own skin...and in my shoes:) 

I have shoes I like to play in, walk in, run in, dance in, impress in, and work in...and in a couple of days I'll be shopping for a pair that I'll be walking down the aisle in. To be honest, these feel like my very first pair of REAL grown up shoes! When I think about that pair of shoes...I picture something glamorous, but comfortable. Something stylish, but modest. Something sturdy, and something I can trust..so I can concentrate on walking gracefully towards my future...with my best foot forward!

in your face truth...I like it!

This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull of the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted. Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension, better than the best movie you have ever seen. You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages. Because they all are. Every life is. You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
 
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today. 

~Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines 

change is beautiful

Chicago, it's been a pleasure! 

God does his work in mysterious ways, and the last week has been beautiful proof of that! Jason was offered and has accepted a new job and in a whirlwind it's been decided that we'll be saying so long to Chicago and heading to Grand Rapids, MI. We're very excited and can't wait to set roots down back home close to family and friends...but we are sad to say goodbye to the city we've both fallen in love with, and most importantly the community of people we have surrounded ourselves with these past 2 years. 

Jason will be heading to Michigan and starting his new job on June 7th and I'll be living out my lease until the end of August, so once again we'll be cities apart and racking up our mobile minutes and hitting the pavement during the weekends. We've done long distance before, and we can do it again! As different as it will be, we'll be able to focus on ourselves for awhile, and we both know that's important as we get closer and closer to October 30! Being apart will make being together that much more special:) 

So please say a prayer for Jason that he has a smooth transition! I am so proud of him, and so excited for him and this new opportunity! He's going to be amazing! 

Lil'pink reminders

Thank you kind over matter!

Left of Right?

Well, this is an obvious choice... is it not? Of course we like to think of ourselves as anything but average...and we partake in the things we do so that we create memories.Well, I guess I can't speak for everyone, so I wont. I choose to do the things I do because I want to feel alive. I want to remember how I felt...I try to remember the details...if I'm with someone, I want to see how they feel. Are we feeding off each other...is it positive, or negative, or do I just simply feel indifferent? If I'm somewhere new, I want to take in all of my surroundings...the sights, the sounds...how something tastes if it's the first time I've tried it. There are so many things I know I take for granted and as the days pass (sometimes seeming to pass so slowly) I realize that the months are flying by. I appreciate time. I am sorry that I've often wished it away...especially if I'm looking forward to something.

I have to continue to remind myself that everyday is a gift. I don't always live that way. I know I need to try harder to just be in the present and make the most of it. Otherwise I am being average aren't I?

it's just that simple

Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others.

By the definition above, you can see that this specific post isn't coming from a happy place...but from a very confused one. Of course I will not sit here and say I've never been selfish. I have. Many times. More than I'd like to admit or remember. However, I would like to say that as I grow older and learn more about myself, and the people that I love and care about, that I am capable of taking a step back and looking at each situation...and while acknowledging my own feelings, also taking others into consideration and acting accordingly. Many times I need to lower my expectations, or in some instances raise them. I continue to try putting myself in the other persons shoes instead of just seeing things from my size 7 and 1/2. Each person is unique. Each person has their own opinion and attitude about certain things so with the knowledge I have about the situation and the person I can enter with an open mind, and with honesty, and kindness...I listen, and interact. 

Sometimes, people surprise you, but sometimes it is not in a positive way. It's disheartening when you feel that you aren't being heard, or given the same respect that you are trying to show the other person. I understand that no everyone will feel the same way I do, I actually welcome that in most cases as I myself like to play the devils advocate. But sometimes you have to see past "your own selfishness" to show kindness and love. 

Some people, just don't get it. Either they are oblivious, or are choosing to be selfish. Plain and simple. They put on a good show with smoke and mirrors, but we all know in the end it's fake...pretend...part of a beautifully crafted magic trick.

Treat people how you want to be treated. Listen to people how you want to me listened to. Talk to people how you want to be talked to. Love people how you want to be loved. That's what my mom always taught me! It's that simple. 

Happy Tears

It's Sunday night and I'm sitting on my couch, cuddled up in the blanket my mom made me for my birthday last year, eating pita chips and hummus...and I look down at my shirt which is now drenched as huge tear drops are sliding down my cheeks. I am watching Extreme Home Makeover and bawling like a baby! Now, this should come as no surprise...I cry at every episode, but this one in particular just tugged so hard at my heart strings. I mean, I started to laugh at myself because I was crying so hard! (I'm glad I was alone! haha)

The youngest member of the Williams' family, Jacob, has a disease that causes paralysis from the waist down. The father of the family, Jeremy, was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease two years ago but he has not let the disease slow him down. He coaches a high school football team to a perfect 11-0 season. The Tuohy family (from the Blindside movie) came along to help out! They built the family a beautiful new home, and re-did the locker room for his football team and when they first saw it they were welcomed by a couple of NFL players! Then they showed them their new house and let them know that they had paid off all of their medical bills thanks to help from CVS Pharmacy and paid the mortgage in full so that they wouldn't have the burden of bills. 

I love this show for many reasons, but the main reason being that they show how strong families are when facing hardship. Families that stick together and keep a positive outlook. True love, and gratitude just make my heart melt! It quite honestly puts so many things into perspective and really makes you appreciate what you have. Being healthy is a blessing. Having family is a blessing, and knowing that there are people out there willing to go that extra mile for someone they don't know, is heart warming. So, thank you ABC! :)

Love & Respect

"Each of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5: 33

Last night, Jason and I opened the book "Love & Respect" and started reading. We listened to one another, laughed with one another, and talked about the chapters that we read in all seriousness. This book is enlightening. It speaks so much truth, and I'm sure the further we get into the book, the more serious our talks will get. We want it that way, and we look forward to learning more about ourselves and how to love and respect each other in our marriage. Women and men are very different creatures and the amount of information being given to us in this book helps us to understand each of our most important needs. Women need and want Love. Men need and want Respect...so learning, and knowing how to give the other person what they need is crucial to having open, clear, and honest communication. In scripture it's written in Ephesians 5:33...we need to do these things for one another unconditionally...no strings attached!

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!

Mom,

I'm so happy that we were able to spend time together this Mother's Day! Even though it only comes around once a year, I hope that you know I celebrate you daily! Thank you for taking care of me, teaching me, watching me, listening to me, trusting me, being there for me, and most of all, loving me! I can only hope to be as great of a mom to my children someday! 

All my love always,

Courtney marie

song of the day

The sun was out, the birds were chirping, and I had my coffee in hand. I put my music on shuffle and this song started my day. It made me emotional. It made me think. Most of all, it made me smile. How amazing life is...and how amazing it is that God is everywhere, and in everything. Like the song says..."how much more proof do we need?"

a spoon full of sugar...

Just how short is my fuse? Do I even have a fuse? Some days I am not entirely sure. I take deep breathes, regroup, and say to myself..."get it together Court, it's not a big deal!" Basically, I'm admitting to sweating the small stuff. The smallest stuff. The things I can't control. The things I'll never be able to control. The Lord only knows why I'd even want any kind of control....but here I am. 

Maybe it's a day where nothing seems to go right, and by right I mean the way I wanted it to go. Do I need to readjust my expectations? Of myself? Of other people? Of every situation? Most times I'd like to believe that the people I come into contact with or the situations I find myself in will adhere to my interpretation of what is acceptable...but that's me dreaming out loud. We are who we are, and with effort we can bend, but at the end of the day we just have to try to be the best we can, and a lot of times I fall short, even when I have the best of intentions.

I know sometimes I need to get out of my own way. I know I need to get rid of the pessimistic attitude I know lives in a dark part of me. Sometimes it comes out to play and crashes the party without even an invite. So what is the best thing to do...

Recently, I have found that giving thanks, being kind (even when I feel I can't), and counting every blessing in my life are the many spoons full of sugar that I need to get the dimpled smile back on my face!

I am a woman of God. I am marrying the man of my dreams. My family is amazing. My friends are beautiful. I have a job. I have a roof over my head, and enough money to keep Starbucks in business. Life is good!

Once in a lifetime...

Of all places I found this on facebook and had to share! 

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again.

Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

Jason, I am blessed to love you, and can't wait to start our life together!!!